this ain't personal.

when i started this blog,
i've never meant for anything to be personal.


i never wanted to tell every bit and fragments of my life,
because i never felt fragments of my life could ever mean anything if they weren't whole. pictures are simply pictures. smiles simply poses for the camera.


when i'm with people,
i laugh out loud and immerse myself in all that laughter losing myself in it. i laugh and i talk and my mind is running a thousand miles an hour, i don't feel that's me but that's q jin. i talk and i talk and i talk,
but that's not me,
that's q jin.



but once i lost q jin,
it's me.


i wouldn't talk.
i wouldn't laugh.
and i just sit still and take it all in,
my family,
my friends,
those bonds,
those silent words,
it's all them and there's no q jin.


i rejoice when everything is still and dead.
but i ain't no sadist.


that's when i look down at my own feet,
tap it twice on the floor,
and realize that is when i'm most alive.
i simply am.


conscious.